The Top 11 Reasons why Joe D. didn’t go to Buono’s kickoff

Besides conferring with state Sen. Brian P. Stack (D-33) on a constituent services issue, the top ten reasons why Joe D. didn’t attend state Sen. Barbara Buono’s (D-18) gubernatorial kickoff:

  1. He felt his home state was already firmly with Joe Flacco on the mainland and preferred to send an “island vibe” in support of the New Jersey native’s Super Bowl effort;
  2. He was secretly in California in the TV studio to lend “moral support” to Cory Booker as the camera-shy Newark mayor filmed his appearance on the Bill Maher show;
  3. The event was in Middlesex. He was “Putting Essex First;”
  4. He was fed some bad information that Dick Codey was going to be at Buono’s event but would have “definitely gone” had someone fed him the straight dope;
  5. He was helping state Sen. M. Teresa Ruiz (D-29) and other allies prepare for what is certain to be a very tough re-election year. As Tip O’Neil said, “All politics is local;”
  6. He was on a very important phone call with Mark Zuckerberg wondering why he can’t get some love;
  7. He is interested in building “a relationship” with Senator Buono and felt the presence of too many people at her event would interfere with “quality time;”
  8. “Sheila was there;”
  9. Essex Democrats are going to vote BIG for the Democratic candidate anyway, being at Buono’s event would be redundant;
  10. All questions regarding the matter should be referred to Mike DuHaime with the Christie Campaign.
  11. He was helping Phil Alagia unload a wild Tibetan yak, newly acquired by the Turtleback Zoo. 
"Since the print publication of this list, Christie, in his capacity as chairman of the Republican Governors Association, helped decisively turn the midterm elections in the Republicans' favor, which makes him a bit more influential than we initially gave him credit for, post-Bridgegate. So when your state governments do absolutely nothing for you for the next four years, be sure to thank him!"
—GQ